Tag Archives: life personal emotion

Worn out for a bit

Very tired, since… since last Friday, maybe.

Friday night, had too much meat, watched a too bloody movie, came back home too late… (the after effect of CHI deadline, apparently)

Then, what happened? Saturday morning, woke up too early as usual, and i kept telling myself… u need to get more sleep… so after i finished watching another episode of “MAD MAN”, i went back to my cozy bed again, and got one hour more sleep.

Woke up again, did some laundry and ran a few errands, realized i have this big CAR HUNTING issue i need to take care of.

Buying a car is tough,

and it’s even tougher when you don’t own a car yourself, so you’ll have to drag your friends into driving you everywhere

it’s even tougher when you don’t have enough money to buy a new car, not even a decent second-hand car

it’s even tougher when you want your car to be decent looking, in white color, certain brand, low mileage, clean owner…

Adding all those up, it’s not fun…

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Saturday’s foggy and sunny.

The volunteer work at the wild animal association’s good. The smell of the sun-dried grass made me feel life should be this simple and easy again, reminding me of the scene in “MAD MAN”, Don was watching Sally’s teacher playing on the grass ground, and he tried to sit down for a bit, so he was able to touch the grass underneath his chair using his fingers for a bit, the moment he touched those grass, i am sure he felt a much stronger connection between him and his daughter, seeing is believing, but other senses, touch, smell, even the feeling of sun burnt, makes you feel the existence of things, and eventually, the existence of yourself, which is so essential for me.

On our way back, there was the beautiful beautiful half moon bay, don’t know Americans would appreciate the concept of “half moon” as well. i always thought leaving things blank (out)’s the specialty of Chinese culture.  M’s a very outdoor guy, he must be feeling home again seeing the beach and the ocean. Too bad that I grow up in inland, which explains my mixed love-afraid feeling to the ocean.

The day was pretty good before we got back to checking cars in a couple of dealer places… cause that dragged me back to reality again.

We checked out a few cars, mostly 10k+, some of them looked good, i felt good driving in it, it’s just i was not sure if i could make such a commitment when i am still struggling to really settle down.

Coming back home, was just so tired.

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Monday, the plan was to keep checking craigslist, see if any good deals coming up. And this white mazda poped out. I thought i found the deal, so happy and nervous. M drove me to Fremont, just to give the car a test drive, and a mechanic check. The guy (claimed car owner) was pretty nice and genuine in the first two hours that i met him. However, after certain problems have been identified in the mechanic check, things just went down immediately. The rust underneath the car, the newly painted back bumper, the not-so-well maintained tires, everything just became somewhat contradicted to what he’s been saying.

I called it off, which made me very upset. I think M’s right, i need to figure out why i was so upset about it before i let the upset mood drag me down. It perhaps the accumulation of a lot of issues,

first, second-cars are problematic, well, of course, cause they are not new cars. Everybody prefers new things, but when it comes to cars, I thought i could accept used cars. However, when I actually found out how bad it could be, i really didn’t know what to say, maybe if i was only willing to pay that price, that’s exactly what i was supposed to get.

second, i hate people who have low trust in others, i don’t want to be one of them, but sometimes i have to pretend to be one of them, in order to be called “mature” and “cautious”, and essentially to protect myself, so i hate those people are dishonest even more… cause it’s them who make trust become so hard. Meeting someone like that, makes me feel sick.

third, i am pissed off by the fact that i am still poor.

and  i don’t wanna ask money from anyone, i want to get this on my own.