一个人住第四月

三个月,甚至已经是四个月前吧,Ithaca热得让人发晕的夏天,刚搞定博士论文答辩的凯特琳娜大姐“伙同”系里一堆人在CTB海喝胡侃。大姐举着杯喝了大半的whatever drink,还是那双一如既往勾人的东欧眸子,也不知是醉了没醉,跟我说了两件事,一,i know u’ll come back, cause u are one of us… (此处花枝乱颤笑声省略…);二, you’ll have to live alone for a while before you step into your marriage, totally alone, very important…

第一件事咱现在还没谱,但live alone这件事,就算是做到了吧。

前几天读到周嘉宁的一个人住第三年,文章好长,而且讲的又是独居北京的大龄女青年的故事,感觉稍显遥远,可莫名状的体会其中的意味,但毕竟还是有在看网络呻吟体的感觉;后来又在为食主义上看到一个人的美味这篇文章,顿觉原来遗失掉原作里那么多nuances。作者很聪明,并无加工填陈,只是简单的把原文里描述的,一个人住的时候做的饭菜食谱总结下来,然后摘抄了感想的几段,稀松平常,但是摘去背景后,反而觉得离自己很近。

一个人住,是需要克服最开始那段世俗的孤独寂寞感,才可以慢慢适应的。

没有约束的自由,到一定程度,就离孤独不远了。总是记得王老师之前引用过的钱老的话,快乐就是很快的乐一下,之所以要快,我想,是因为要和冗长的柴米油盐形成鲜明对比,这对比越鲜明,你就越乐。但凡长乐,得要求你你心无旁贷清心寡欲,彻底修炼成功,那样乐与不乐,之于你,也不重要了。

所以,一个人想吃什么吃什么,想看什么看什么,想怎么堕落怎么堕落,想怎么矫情怎么矫情,最后就变成,反正干什么都没人知道,那干什么,也都无所谓了。

这个时候就期待生活里的对比了,觉得身边有个人会是件很奢侈很幸福的事,恨不得天天打电话说,要是你来了我就给你做XX,XX,XX吃,全然不顾一个月前的口径是,你要再这么吃下去就没人要了…

然后终于等来了,但突然就觉得每一天都变短了,然后自己也变懒了,平时一些稀松会花精力去做的事情,好像就淹没在这被人推着往前的节奏里。你们醒的时间不一样,所以,如果你醒得早,在他醒来的那段时间里,你不能出门,不能放音乐,不能开收音机,最好也不要吃早饭,因为suppose要两个人一起吃,饿着肚子也要等。

(早饭对我来说通常意义非凡,用chris的话来说,就是个big breakfast person,新闻,邮件,音乐,各种食物,水,一样也不能少,所以我看不得别人站在厨房花五分钟就把早饭三口两口解决了,更看不得不吃早饭的人,当然这只是我)

一个人做决定,是一个快的过程,无非是好坏问题,但两个人就会有一个“讨论漂移” (discussion drifting)的过程,好像是在讨论今天要干什么,但最后通常就变成别的话题,然后发现时间过去好久,换了上衣,还穿着睡裤。但好处是,这时候总会有一个人站出来说,急什么,接着两人又都坦然了。

出门前还会找不到想穿的衣服,最后发现,在我常挂衣服的椅背,有另一个人的牛仔裤和外套,所以被cover住了,这个时候突然就感觉自己的生活被外星人入侵了,为什么他的逻辑跟我的逻辑不一样?气消之后,再仔细想想,哪有什么不一样,把衣服挂在椅背,这是他的逻辑,也是我的逻辑。

吃饭做饭也变成一件不能随性的事情,当一个人的好恶变成两个人的好恶,谁也不是谁的子集,一方面我高兴吃饭被复杂化,因为这终于变成一件稍微上一点台面的事情了,如果在家,总得有三到四个菜,不会做一顿从来都吃不完,另一方面,又觉得吃饭被简单化了,一个人吃饭时,常常会看点什么,美剧也好,杂志也好,但两个人吃饭,讨论的就常常是菜和下次吃什么了。

要走的时候,当然还是恋恋不舍,感觉自己又要掉进这个只看得到一点点光亮的隧道里。但当飞机起飞,真剩下自己一个人了,又会觉得自己不在隧道里,阳光还是一样的明媚,自己不过是在走自己的路,对现实也有要求,对未来也有期许,不过是只有自己一个人的图画。之前那些所谓的空虚寂寞等待,现在给了我独立感和安稳感,觉得是一件奢侈的,我需要赶紧抓住的事情,不管以后的生活怎样。

独立感是可以理解的,因为毕竟是自己一个人,但我不知道为什么也会有安稳感,毕竟,安稳这个词,应该是最不能用来形容我现阶段生活的。在我想明白之前,周嘉宁给出了解答,

“后来我想,当我不是一个人生活着的时候,我担忧着的事情太多了,而生活的质地却又仿佛离我如此遥远。没错,现在我失去了很多快乐,但大部分的时间与自己相处,感知却变得非常清晰,记得住很多细节,甚至知道每天路灯是几点钟亮起来,又是几点钟暗掉的,所以与失去的那部分快乐比起来,又多出来这些或许看起来也并没有什么用处的知觉。

孤独有时候也并不是件太糟糕的事情,与嘈杂比起来,安静却孤独的生活仿佛还显得更妙一点,或许至少得有那么一段时间,几年的时间,一个人必须要自己生活着,才是对的,否则怎么能够听到自己的节奏。一旦它流淌出来,走在马路上,坐在地铁里,独自待着的时候,与朋友在一起的时候,任何时候,它都会在那儿兀自发着自己的声音,这是属于你的声音,身体的一部分,不用再担心流失。”

“生活的质地”,“自己的节奏和声音”,这些都是我还在寻找的东西,我能隐约感受到他们的存在,但还不够强烈,心无旁贷寻找的过程,反而让我觉得安稳。大姐说得很对,it’s important to live alone for a while,我相信,从这段人生经历中走出来,会有那么一天,无论我和什么人在一起,在什么环境,这些质地,节奏,声音都会写上我的名字,总也丢不了。

9 thoughts on “一个人住第四月

  1. CC

    孤独是每个人成长必经的过程吧!你自个儿做饭,自个儿逛街,自个儿做陶,开始都会伤春悲秋一番。当你习惯的时候,会发现独处也是一种享受。就如你说的,慢慢地发现自己的声音和节奏。不过啊,你这么神经大挑,要你知道几点天亮,几点天黑,几点鸭子飞过是一件很难地事情吧。。。还需努力,努力!

    ps: 我在吃早饭: 蜂蜜水,肉包,菜包和咖啡~~~ mia, mia, mia~~~ 🙂

    Reply
  2. sweetsmile

    周嘉宁的那段话我读了好几天好几遍,呵呵~恩~触动了我心里某根神经而有些敏感的心跳。。。。

    Reply
    1. Hollie

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  3. Li

    It’s really important to live alone for a while, I agree and I miss it a lot. I miss my own rhythm of life from time to time, but don’t know if I can get it back. Jealous!

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  4. Janet

    她那两段话,我也是看了就摘抄在日记本里。好好享受一个人的时光,我现在每天跟林大人腻在一起,有的时候会想起来,还是怀念那样的日子,不管眼前的幸福,我也不舍得去交换。

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